


Castle Of Glass

by tattooeddevil



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Consensual, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homelessness, M/M, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-18 04:14:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattooeddevil/pseuds/tattooeddevil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thank you so much for all of you that contacted me about re-publishing this story! It really means a lot you guys want to read it :)</p>
<p> Jared lives in New York City, going to drama school and volunteering at a free clinic for the homeless and uninsured. One night of being in the wrong place at the wrong time changes his life forever. Jensen lives on the streets of New York City, just trying to stay alive. One time of trusting the wrong person changes his life forever, but will it be for the better or the worst?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castle Of Glass

“See you later, Dave, and make sure you take those meds, okay? With water, please, not whiskey.”

Jared shakes his head and watches Dave, one of the neighborhood drunks, stumble out of the clinic. He loves volunteering at the free clinic, but people like Dave - the ones that are too far gone to help - make him sad sometimes. Jared is an optimistic kind of guy, always sees the better in people, but it is hard to watch someone like Dave hurt himself so much and stay positive when he’s not able to help. He learned the hard way that people need to want the help or they’d never stick it out. Dave doesn’t want the help, Jared had tried, but Dave just wants to be left alone.

Sadie pushes her nose against his hand and sits down next to him, leaning into his leg slightly. Jared smiles down at her and scratches her head.

“At least I have you to cheer me up, don’t I, sweetheart?”

Sadie huffs and pushes her head against his hand again before trotting to the backdoor of the clinic, the one that opens to the back alley where the garbage bins are. Sadie whines a little, but it is forty past eleven and Jared will get off in twenty minutes, so he pulls Sadie back by her collar and shushes her.

“We’re going out in a minute, stop your whining.”

Normally Sadie would huff again and follow Jared anyway, but not today. Instead, she breaks free from Jared’s grip and pushes her nose against the door with another whine. It confuses Jared, but he also sees her out of character behavior for what it is: a clear sign something is going on beyond that door. He pulls Sadie back again and orders her to stay back before opening the door a few inches.

Nothing.

He opens the door a little further, but he still can’t hear anything but the soft sounds of traffic filtering from the front and his own breathing. He waits a few more moments for something, anything to happen, but everything remains quiet. Jared shrugs and closes the door behind him. Sadie is sitting in the same spot he left her, only now she has her ears to her head and she is still whining softly. Jared crouches down in front of her and rubs her behind her ears.

“What’s going on, girl? There’s nothing out there. What got you so worked up?”

Sadie slides to her side to offer Jared her belly and Jared laughs.

“You tramp. All is well, as long as you get belly rubs, right?”

He glances at the clock; ten to midnight.

“Shit, the trash!”

He shoots up and quickly goes round all the rooms collecting the garbage bags. The dumpsters are behind the clinic, in the alley, but since Jared has already checked, he figures it is okay to go out and walk the five feet to the dumpster without guard dog.

“Stay Sadie, we’re going in a minute.”

Jared opens the door to the alley again and this time Sadie barks loudly once, startling Jared, and there is a mimicking yell from outside. Jared freezes, his instincts screaming at him to close the door and not go outside, but what if someone is hurt? What if someone needs help and Jared just stands by and does nothing?

Mind tentatively made up - he is keeping one hand on the door at all times in case something comes for him -, he swings the door fully open and steps outside. The alley is dark, the moon the only source of light, throwing strange shadows around. For a few seconds there is utter silence, but then he hears it.

A soft moan, muffled, as if coming from behind a hand.

“Hello?”

He sets the trash in the door so it won’t fall shut, orders Sadie to stay put, and takes a few more steps into the alley. His eyes begin to get used to the dark and he can make out a dark shape in the far corner of the alley. It’s not really moving, but Jared is pretty sure it’s a person. There are more muffled sounds and then the shape starts to move jerkily. It tears into two, and now Jared can see it’s actually two people. A sudden thought enters his head - what if he’s disturbing an impromptu make-out session? - and he stop in his tracks.

But then one of the people shoves the other away and a clear, male voice fills the alley.

“Let go of me, I didn’t do anything!”

The second person closes in on the guy again and slams him against the wall.

“You were trying to steal my money. **My** money, Misha! I worked for that money!”

Another guy, and Jared’s now sure this isn’t a quicky in a dark alley; these men are fighting.

Before he can do anything, the two men start to seriously wrestle and grapple. There are grunts and punches and kicks and name-calling, and then there’s a knife. Jared has no idea who took it out, but it falls to the ground during the fight and both men dive down to grab it. The second man, the one who accused the first guy - Misha - of stealing his money, gets to it first and without hesitation, he turns back to Misha and sinks the knife deep into his belly.

Misha gasps, his hands fly to his stomach where the knife is lodged in, and he staggers back a few steps. The other guy looks up at him with wide eyes as if he can’t believe he did that, before rising to his feet and taking a few shaky steps back. It’s as if time stops; everything goes silent, stark horror fills the air. Then, Misha wobbles a few times, his knees give way, and he falls to the ground. He reaches a hand out to the other guy, fingers clawing at the air as if he tries to grab hold of something.

“Jensen, don’t-”

His name shakes the other man - Jensen – out from his shock. He blinks a few times before turning around, poised to run. That’s when his gaze meets Jared’s. Jared is still nailed to the ground, baffled at what he just witnessed and couldn’t stop, it all happened so fast. Jensen’s eyes are filled with alarm and fear and, for a second, Jared thinks he’s gonna break down and cry. Instead, Jensen turns tail and runs away.

Jared yells something after the guy, but it’s more a way to let out some of the anxiety and adrenaline that was building inside of him than to stop the guy - Jensen - from running away. Misha’s still lying on the floor a few feet away and when his soft moans reach Jared’s ears, he fumbles into action. He kneels next to Misha while dialing 911. There’s blood seeping through Misha’s shirt - short sleeves in November? - and the knife is wedged in his stomach to the hilt. He’ll be lucky if it hasn’t hit any major organs.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Hi, yes, we need an ambulance, someone’s been stabbed.”

“Okay sir, can you tell me where you are?”

“The Hillman free clinic. East 16th, between Union and Fifth, number 16.”

“Okay, I’m sending someone over. What’s your name?”

“Jared Padalecki, I work at the free clinic.”

“You say someone’s been stabbed. What happened?”

The operator's voice is calming and Jared can feel his heartbeat slowing down little by little. The adrenaline eases off and other sounds are starting to seep in through the pounding of the blood in his ears. He tells the operator exactly what happened and what the situation is now. The operator promises him help is only a few blocks away and, sure enough, Jared can hear sirens in the distance. He lets out a relieved sigh.

“I can hear them.”

“Good. I’ll stay on the line with you until they’ve arrived, okay? How’s the victim?”

Jared glances down at Misha. He’s started trembling softly and his eyes are closed, but Jared can see his chest rising and falling with pained puffs of air. The bloodstain on his shirt is still growing and Misha’s as white as a ghost, but he’s alive.

“Still breathing, but he’s in pain.”

“That’s good, it means he’ll live. Is the ambulance there yet?”

Jared can see the flashing lights of the ambulance and police cars coloring the alley and he confirms it with the operator. The operator tells him to let the paramedics do their jobs and hangs up. Jared quickly runs to the street to hail the medics and police officers and directs them to the alley. He gets shoved aside gently by the paramedics so they can get to work, and Jared watches them from a distance. He can hear Sadie whine behind him, thankful for her obedience; she’s still inside, like he ordered, she’s just anxious about her human and what’s happening. He is about to turn to her to reassure her everything’s okay, when a police officer taps him on the shoulder.

“Mister Padalecki?”

Jared nods and shakes the detective’s proffered hand.

“Detective Morgan, NYPD. Can we talk?”

Jared nods again, but he has trouble taking his eyes off the scene in front of him. Shock has gripped him again now that he’s got nothing useful to do, and reality sinks in. Detective Morgan seems to feel his fear and steers him to the door of the clinic with a firm hand on his arm. Jared tears his gaze from the people in the alley and focuses on Sadie instead. He crouches down to pet her when they get inside, and she licks his face with abandon and reassurance. Detective Morgan waits until Jared’s ready.

Jared rises to his feet and gestures to the small office they keep the administration.

“We can talk in here.”

Jared sits down on the couch in the corner, wiping a hand over his face. He suddenly feels drained and exhausted, as if he’s been taken for a rollercoaster ride without safety belts. He buries his face in his hands for a few moments, trying to gather his thoughts so he won’t sound like a complete idiot to Detective Morgan.

Sadie’s nose nudging his hands away jolts him back to the moment. Detective Morgan is looking at him patiently from the chair behind the desk, pen in hand to take Jared’s statement. He smiles when Jared meets his gaze.

“Ready to tell me what happened?”

Jared takes a deep breath and nods.

“Yeah. I uhm- It was about half past eleven when Sadie started whining. I remember the time, because I looked at the clock to decide if I should let her out to do her business or if I could wait till my shift was over to walk her. She uhm- I think she heard something at the back door, in the alley. I went to check it out, but I didn’t hear or see anything. So I collected the trash and went outside to throw it away, maybe ten minutes later? I don’t know for certain, but it was close to closing time anyway. Sadie barked and I heard a yell from outside, but when I opened the door again, it was silent. A few seconds later, I heard a moan, maybe words? But they were unintelligible, as if the person was gagged or had a hand over his mouth or something. I couldn’t really see, but I thought I saw a person in the shadows. I stepped outside and I think that is when the fighting began. I’m not sure though. There were two guys, they were fighting over money. One said the other was trying to steal his money, I think. There was a knife, I don’t know who pulled it or when, it clattered to the ground and then one of them picked it up and stabbed the other with it.”

Jared sighs; he’s getting worked up again, his hands are shaking and his breath is coming in shallow puffs. He realizes he was really scared back there. He takes a few seconds to get his breathing under control again, Detective Morgan patiently waiting for him to continue.

“He uhm- The guy that stabbed the other one, he caught me looking, but he didn’t do anything. He ran away and then I called 911.”

Detective Morgan nods, writing down everything Jared says.

“Did you get a look at the attacker?”

“Yeah, I looked him right in the face. He had dirty blonde hair and green eyes. I know it was dark, but the moon was pretty bright and I-”

Detective Morgan stops Jared’s apologies and explanations with a gesture of his hand and a small smile.

“No need to explain, Jared, I get it. What else? Did you see what he was wearing?”

Jared wracks his brain for anything about his clothes, but all he comes up with is a black hoodie and jeans.

“I’m sorry, I know that’s pretty generic.”

“It’s okay, really. Every little thing helps.”

Jared nods again. He doesn’t quite believe Detective Morgan, but it’s not like he can make himself remember more.

“Did you know them? The attacker or the victim?”

“No. I see a lot of people here, I know a lot of the homeless guys in the neighborhood, but not all of them. Not by far. They could have come from another neighborhood or been here all their lives, I wouldn’t know it if they never came in here. I’m sorry.”

Detective Morgan scribbles down some more notes before closing his writing pad and turning his full attention on Jared.

“Jared, don’t feel sorry. For anything. You witnessed a crime, you’re bound to be a little shaken and confused. Trust me, no one remembers all the details. Maybe you’ll dream of it tonight and you’ll remember something more. Maybe you won’t remember anything at all. It’s fine. You did everything you could, okay? You called for help, you stayed with the victim until they came and you gave your statement. That’s all you can do.”

Jared sighs. He wants to believe Detective Morgan, he does, but he feels like he should be able to do more to help. He feels useless and stupid for forgetting half of what happened and he is tired beyond belief.

“Do you have anyone that can pick you up and take you home?”

Jared shakes his head. It’s been just him and Sadie ever since he moved to New York and his family practically disowned him when he went to drama school instead of law school to follow his father into the family business. He started volunteering at the free clinic so that maybe he would feel less guilty for being selfish and, over the course of the past year, he had started to love it and now he spends most of his free time there. He doesn’t have a social life to speak of, let alone a love life.

“No, but I’ll manage. I only live a few blocks from here and I have Sadie to keep me company. I’ll be alright.”

Detective Morgan looks skeptical, but he doesn’t push the issue. Instead, he hands Jared his card and shakes his hand.

“Take care, Jared. Call me if you remember anything, even the tiniest thing can be helpful. Be careful, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks Detective.”

Jared watches Detective Morgan leave the clinic through the back door and locks it firmly behind him. He doesn’t look out, but there’s not a lot of noise coming from the alley and when he steps outside at the front, the ambulance has left and the police car is the only one still sitting at the curb. Jared can see Detective Morgan talking to a passer-by. He wonders if Jensen is watching them.

He clips Sadie on her leash and together they start their walk home. Sadie is unusually subdued, almost quiet, and Jared chuckles humorlessly.

“I’m sorry, girl, you tried to warn me and I went out anyway. Next time I won’t be such a stupid human, okay?”

Sadie huffs in reply and bumps her head against his hand as if to say, “deal!” Jared laughs and rubs her behind her ears softly.

“Let’s go home, sweetheart, I’m exhausted.”

******

He doesn’t dream about the attack, not the following night, or the two after that. He doesn’t go back to the clinic either, but that’s more fluke than purpose. The first night after the attack, he gets caught up in a heated discussion about Shakespeare with his classmates that doesn’t end until the night janitor interrupts them at ten pm. The second night, he has planned rehearsals and he doesn’t get home until eleven. The third night is Janice’s turn to open for the night shift, and she calls at eight to tell him not to bother coming in if he was planning on it. Jared settles in to read a book and get an early night’s sleep.

Tonight though, he needs to get back to the clinic. Not only to work, but also to not feel like he’s avoiding the place because of what happened. Not that he thinks he is, but news travels fast and every one of his colleagues called to ask how he is doing. He needs to put a stop to the whole ‘Jared-the-victim’ routine that they have going on. Nothing happened to him, he is fine.

Working helps. It’s a busy night with a lot of regulars, and Jared is able to focus his mind on something other than the stabbing. Nobody asks about it, he works the shift alone so there are no colleagues to worry over him and the time flies by. He closes at eleven, and clips Sadie on her leash to walk back to his building. It’s cold outside, and Jared huddles up in his coat and scarf a bit more. Sadie’s breath is sending clouds into the air and Jared copies her, laughing. The crisp air feels good, it clears his head like nothing else. He feels better than he has in days.

Two blocks from his apartment, Sadie starts whining softly. Jared crouches down next to her, and rubs her back and ears to calm her down.

“What’s up, girl? What’s wrong?”

Sadie’s whining worries him, it’s the same sounds she made those few days ago when everything happened in the alley. It freaks him out a little, okay more than a little, and he glances around to see if he can see whatever is setting Sadie on edge. There’s nothing.

He sighs. Just when he’s starting to feel better - less paranoid and nervous at least - Sadie starts freaking him out again. He can’t ignore it, he knows that, but he doesn’t see anything that would cause Sadie to shake like she does. She’s _shaking_ , clearly afraid of something. Jared looks around again, but still can’t see anything threatening. There are not many people out, but the ones that are, are huddled up in their coats, rushing home. There’s one guy waiting at the traffic light a few feet ahead, but he’s got his back to them and isn’t doing much but wait. There are no strange sounds or smells. Yet Sadie is still whining and shaking.

Jared gets up on slightly trembling legs and pulls Sadie closer by her leash. He picks up his pace and hurries home faster than normal. By the time he reaches his building, he’s panting softly and his heart is pounding in his chest. He feels eyes everywhere, watching him, looking at him, spying on him. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end with it. He feels followed and stalked, and he can’t get inside fast enough.

Once inside his apartment safely, he leans back against his front door with a sigh and closes his eyes for a few moments. Sadie nudges his hand until he straightens and unclips her leash. She seems fine now, standing at her food bowl in the kitchen, waiting for Jared to fill it. As if nothing has happened.

Jared’s going insane.

He takes off his coat and shoes before filling Sadie’s bowl and grabbing a beer from the fridge. The living room is dark when he walks in, the light from the kitchen not bright enough to filter through. He is about to turn on the standing lamp next to the couch when his phone rings.

Jared nearly jumps out of his skin.

He curses loudly at his own idiocy, but he can’t deny his heart skipped a few beats, and he’s pretty sure he gained a few gray hairs. He’s still muttering about going white from irrational fear when he picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Mister Padalecki? It’s Jeff Morgan, from the NYPD.”

“Detective Morgan, hi.”

Jared flips on the light and sits down on his couch. He sets the beer on the table, suddenly not at all that thirsty anymore.

“Is this a good time? It’s not too late?”

“No, uhm, no, not at all.”

“You sound freaked, what happened?”

Jared wants to laugh at Detective Morgan’s question, but he realizes he does sound like he’s seen a ghost or something. Bloody nerves.

“No, I’m fine. I just wasn’t expecting the phone to ring and it startled me.”

Detective Morgan chuckles and the warm sound actually calms Jared’s nerves a little. It’s good to hear a reassuring voice.

“And you’re probably still a bit jumpy from the other day, too.”

_Not just that night_ , Jared thinks, but he doesn’t say it out loud. He’s pretty sure it was nothing anyway, just his overactive imagination and Sadie spazzing out.

“Yeah, maybe a little of that too.”

Detective Morgan chuckles again before getting to the point.

“I just called to see how you were doing, and thought you might like to know how the guy you saved is doing.”

Jared blushes, even though Detective Morgan can’t see him.

“I hardly saved him, I just called an ambulance and let the professionals do their work.”

“You’re too modest. Anyway, you’ll be happy to hear he’ll be just fine. The knife perforated his colon, but they managed to stop the bleeding in time. There’s no big, permanent damage and he didn’t bleed out. And that’s because of you.”

“That’s good, that he’s fine. I’m glad.”

“So how are you? Did you have any dreams? Nightmares?”

“No, nothing. I also didn’t remember anything else either, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jared, it’s fine. We’re on it, that’s what we do.”

Jared laughs, it is nice not being coddled and joking around a little. He realizes he thought he was doing okay, but really he’s been ignoring what happened and how much it still weighs on him. He didn’t notice how tense he was until he actually relaxes.

“Yeah, okay. Hey, are you allowed to give me the guy’s name? In case I see him around again, or something.”

He trails off, he doesn’t want to admit he needs to put a name to the face so he can at least solve that piece of the puzzle in his head. There are too many questions still running through his head and answering one, no matter how small, would help dealing with everything.

Whether Detective Morgan picks up on it anyway, or he just doesn’t think anything of Jared’s request, Jared doesn’t know, but the detective shuffles around some papers and then gives Jared the name.

“It’s Misha. Misha Collins. He’s a homeless kid - well, he’s 24 - mostly living on the streets in the Bronx, but he got chased out a few weeks ago by guys that wanted him to- Well.”

Detective Morgan cuts himself off before saying something he shouldn’t, but Jared knows enough to finish the sentence.

_... guys that wanted him to bend over and let them fuck him_.

Prostitution is common on the streets of New York, but what most people see is the public face of it. Long legs, short skirts, and tight tops. Expensive cars pulling up to the curb, big brand suits pushed out of the way to get to the goods, and small bundles of big notes tucked into cleavage. Jared would never say those hookers have it easy, but what no one ever gets to see is the other group of prostitutes that roam the streets of New York. The one made up of underage boys - mostly gay or bisexual, kicked out of their parents’ home for being dirty - all looking for a place to stay and some food. With no money and sometimes a crippling meth addiction, the only way to buy a roof over their head or a fix to forget about the cold for a while is selling their ass. On their knees in a dirty alley, with an unwashed cock down their throats, sucking their way to ten bucks. It is the type of soliciting that people tend to ignore in favor of pretending it doesn’t exist. They don’t exist. At least Misha hasn’t sunk that far yet.

“He wouldn’t tell us what happened back in the alley though. He’s hiding something, but I can’t put my finger on what.”

Then, the name sinks in.

Misha.

_You were trying to steal my money. My money, Misha! I worked for that money!_

“Jared?”

Detective Morgan’s voice interrupts his thoughts and Jared shakes his head. He remembers everything.

“Yeah. Sorry. I remember. Misha. The other guy is called Jensen. The guy that stabbed Misha.”

_Jensen, don’t-_

“His name is Jensen. I remember. He said something to Misha about stealing his money, before he stabbed him. He said something about having worked hard for it.”

Detective Morgan sounds as excited as Jared feels.

“Okay, this is good. This is great, Jared. Anything else? Did you catch this Jensen’s last name?”

Jared wracks his brain for anything else, but nothing more comes to mind.

“No, that’s it. Sorry.”

“Are you kidding? This is great! It’s a lead, Jared, all we have to do now is find this guy and arrest him. Thank you, you’ve been a great help.”

Jared sighs and slumps back on his couch. He is suddenly very tired, and all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and not come out for weeks. A glance at the clock tells him it’s nearly midnight, and he has to be up by eight to go to class.

“I’m just glad I could help.”

“Well, thanks anyway. Now go get some sleep, you sound like you could use some.”

A yawn cuts off Jared’s reply and he hears Detective Morgan stifling a laugh.

“Like I said, go to bed. Lock the door, close the windows, and take that dog of yours to bed with you. You’ll feel safer, even if she’s not much of a guard dog, trust me.”

Jared glances at Sadie. She’s belly-up on the rug, snoring loudly.

“Yeah, she’s more likely to go play fetch with anyone that tries to break in here than protect me and my apartment.”

Detective Morgan laughs out loud now.

“Do it anyway. Good night Jared.”

“Good night.”

After he hangs up, Jared stares at his untouched beer for a while. It’s warm now, so he heaves himself up and pours the liquid down the drain. He steps over Sadie to get to his front door, he slides the three bolts into place, turns both keys and attaching the chain. Something he usually does anyway, but Detective Morgan’s words still ring in his ears and after the rollercoaster of tonight’s emotions he has to admit he’s feeling a little anxious. An extra check won’t hurt anyone. He checks all his windows, too, and then rouses Sadie and chases her into the bedroom. She looks around a little hesitantly and Jared laughs.

“It’s okay girl, you can jump up.”

He has to give her a nudge to actually get her on the bed, but once she’s up, she turns and turns and turns until she’s settled in. Jared quickly brushes his teeth before cuddling up next to her.

It is hours before he falls asleep.

****** 

Jared is on the late shift again the next day. The girls at the clinic hate working late at night, and Jared’s a pushover when it comes to damsels in distress. His momma raised him to always keep the ladies in mind, so he usually volunteers to close before anyone asks him. It’s the right thing to do. It doesn’t mean Jared feels more at ease than any of the girls when he’s at the clinic by himself and it’s witching hour. Sometimes he gets to close at eleven, but most nights he stays until midnight or one am before heading home.

Tonight’s a quiet night, but he hasn’t seen a few of the Thursday night regulars yet by eleven, so he settles on another hour before he closes up. For something to do, he starts unpacking the boxes of gauze and tape that got delivered during the afternoon shift. It kills another half an hour, but then he’s left twiddling his thumbs again. The boxes are calling at him from by the backdoor, but he’s not afraid to admit he’s slightly hesitant to go out in the alley again.

The arrival of Mark, one of the neighborhood’s junkies, gives him five more minutes of delay, but after he’s handed out Mark’s HIV medicine and checked his temperature and lungs, he has no more excuses to not go out to the dumpsters and throw away the boxes.

What are the chances something’s gonna happen again anyway, right?

Jared doesn’t have Sadie with him today, he came straight to the clinic after class, so he takes a few deep breaths before opening the door to the alley a few inches. He doesn’t hear anything, so he grabs the empty boxes in his arms, pushes the door fully open, and steps outside.

The air is cold and crisp and everything is quiet. He glances around the alley, but the moon is obscured by the clouds today and he can’t see much besides shadows. None of them is moving though, so Jared lets out a relieved sigh and heads for the closest garbage bin. He lifts the lid and throws the empty boxes in.

Just as he is closing the lid, Jared is slammed against the dumpster face first, a hard body pressing him against it. At six foot four, Jared’s not a small guy, but the person behind him is much stronger and he’s not giving Jared an inch. Apparently, chances of something else happening were pretty high. Fuck.

“Wh-who are you? What d-do you want?”

His hands get pinned behind his back, a hand wraps around both his wrists like a vice, and a low, dark voice growls in his ear.

“You saw me.”

Jared gasps.

“Jensen.”

There is a pause behind him, Jensen going completely still, and Jared realizes Jensen didn’t even think Jared heard his name when Misha called after him. He just thought Jared witnessed him stabbing Misha, but now that Jared also knows his name, what is he going to do? What if he came by tonight to make sure Jared won’t turn him in to the police and now he found out Jared knew even more than he thought? What if he stabs Jared too?

Jared’s pretty sure he’s never been this scared in his life.

"How do you know my name?”

“Misha. He called after you when you ran away.”

No reason to lie at all, if he wants to get out of this in one piece.

There’s another pause, and then the pressure on his back eases off a little. Jared doesn’t dare turn around though, not until Jensen says he can.

“Did you give it to that detective?”

Jared hesitates; maybe if he says he didn’t give it to Detective Morgan, Jensen won’t hurt him too much. But then Jensen squeezes his wrists together painfully and pushes him up against the dumpster again.

“Don’t even think of lying to me.”

Jared gasps and nods frantically.

“Yes! Yes, I gave your name to the detective.”

The pressure on his wrists and back eases off again and, this time, Jared feels Jensen step away farther. There’s a long silence until Jensen speaks again.

“I didn’t mean to.”

Jensen’s voice is soft, a little sad even, and the sudden change surprises Jared enough to make him turn around curiously and look at Jensen.

“You didn’t mean to what?”

Jensen is standing a few feet away, in the shadows of the alley. His head is bowed and Jensen shakes it in answer, his eyes still trained on Jared. He is wearing the same clothes he wore that fateful night a few days ago, and Jared can see the light catch on the small blade in Jensen’s hand. Jared immediately goes completely still.

“Are you going to hurt me?”

Jensen snorts humorlessly and jiggles the blade in his hand a little.

“I stole it from the soup kitchen today.”

Jared watches as Jensen slips the knife - not the same knife - into his sleeve and shuffles in place. He looks almost... nervous? Jared’s still scared of him, and confused by the mood swing, but there’s something about Jensen that doesn’t exactly scream “murderer” either.

“He tried to steal my money. It was his knife. He tried to steal my money. I didn’t mean to.”

Jared realizes Jensen’s trying to explain why he stabbed Misha. Make Jared see he is not the bad guy here.

“I had to. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to.”

It slowly sinks into Jared’s mind that Jensen really didn’t think he had another option. He knows how hard life on the streets can be, that it’s every man for himself. Stealing from others is normal, but that doesn’t mean the person you steal from can’t get angry and try to get his possessions back. In Jensen’s mind, stabbing Misha was the only option to get back what was his.

“Did I kill him?”

Jared shakes his head.

“No, he’ll be fine.”

Jensen nods. A look of relief flashes over his face, but then he frowns again.

“He tried to steal my money.”

Jared’s not sure what to say. Jensen keeps repeating that, but Jared doesn’t know what he wants to accomplish by it. Does he want to convince Jared that what he did was okay? Is he trying to convince himself that he did the right thing? Right now though, Jared just wants him to leave.

“Maybe you should turn yourself in, you know? Do the right thing? You didn’t kill Misha and he did try to steal from you. Maybe the police-”

He gets forcefully cut off when Jensen yells, “No!” and slams him against the dumpster again, back against the cold metal and Jensen pressed up against his front. He bumps his head and it bounces back, almost head-butting Jensen, and Jared groans. Jensen doesn’t pay it any mind though.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do! You don’t even know me!”

Jensen slams him against the dumpster again before pushing away from Jared. As soon as he’s a few feet away, Jared runs to the back door of the clinic and hurries inside. He hears Jensen call after him, but he can’t make out the words. It doesn’t matter, he just wants him to go away and leave him alone. Jared locks the door and leans against it to catch his breath. His head hurts from banging it into the dumpster, his heart is racing with fear and adrenalin, and he needs to call Detective Morgan **now**.

He fumbles his phone from his jeans pocket and looks up Detective Morgan’s number. It rings twice before a low, rumbling voice answers.

“NYPD, Detective Morgan.”

“Detective Morgan? This is Jared. Jared Padalecki, from the free clinic? The stabbing?”

Detective Morgan immediately sounds alarmed when he hears Jared’s breathless voice.

“Jared? What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Jared closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, shakily trying to scrape together his wits and thoughts. Jensen’s appearance rattled him badly.

“Jensen. He- he was here. In the alley.”

“At the clinic? What happened?’

His thoughts are all jumbled and Jared can’t really focus long enough to make sense of anything. Shit, Jensen just cornered him and nearly attacked him. He **attacked** him, he just didn’t hurt Jared. Jared can feel his hands shake and, come to think of it, his entire body is trembling. He knows Detective Morgan is still waiting on an answer, but truth is, he’s having a hard time putting into words what really happened. Factually, he knows what happened, but what about the reason why Jensen came to see him? What about the pieces of explanation and reasoning Jensen told Jared? The sudden changes in his mood, from angry to sad to confused to nervous and back to angry? There are so many things running through Jared’s mind, it is hard to pick one and focus on it long enough to tell Detective Morgan.

“Alright, Jared don’t go anywhere. I am on my way!”

Jared realizes he’s been silent for too long and now Detective Morgan is worried enough to come out and talk to him.

“No, that’s not-”

“Stay inside, don’t go back into the alley, okay? I’m gonna get some men and check if Jensen’s still around. Then I’m gonna come in and talk to you. I’ll knock twice and then once and I’ll call your name to let you know it’s me. It’ll be about ten minutes. Got it?”

Jared nods and then realizes Detective Morgan can’t see him.

“Yeah. Yes, got it. Thanks.”

And he means it. Relief floods his body when he thinks about not being alone much longer, having people around that will scare Jensen away so he can go home safely. Yeah, not much longer.

In the fifteen minutes it takes Detective Morgan to come over and search the area for Jensen, Jared busies himself with locking every possible door and window in the place, and nervously listening for any sound that would mean Jensen is still there and the cops found him. There’s nothing, but somehow it doesn’t ease Jared’s mind. He thought no one was outside earlier either too, and Jensen snuck up on him then.

God, he is such an idiot.

Just like he said he would, Detective Morgan knocks twice and then once before calling out Jared’s name at the front door of the clinic. Jared unlocks and opens the door to let him in, then locks up everything and follows Detective Morgan into the small office. It’s like a repeat of a few days earlier, only this time they both have a lot more information and knowledge of what they’re dealing with.

“We didn’t find him, I’m sorry.”

Jared just nods. Somehow, he’s not surprised.

“Tell me what happened.”

Jared lets himself fall onto the small couch with a sigh, and leans his head back. He closes his eyes, but it’s like the events of the evening play like a movie on the insides of his eyelids, and he quickly snaps them open again. Oh, he’s gonna be having nightmares from this one.

“I went out to the dumpsters to throw out some boxes when-”

He pauses, swallows, and lifts his head to look at Detective Morgan.

“He slammed me against the dumpster and pinned my wrists behind my back. He knew that I had seen his face and he came by to-”

This time he stops himself, not because he needed to swallow past the lump of fear lodged in his throat, but to look for the correct words.

“I’m not sure why he was there, to be honest. He asked if I gave you his name. I think he was surprised that I knew it, he hadn’t even thought of that possibility. I guess he thought he’d killed Misha, he asked me if he was dead.”

Jared knows he’s not telling it correctly and that he’s jumping from one thing to another; it’s more just spewing all the questions and thoughts in his head than explaining what happened. It’s all jumbled together, but at the same time, a few things are clear as day.

One, Jensen did not mean to stab Misha, he was convinced it was his only choice.

Two, something about the police frightens Jensen badly, and it’s not just the thought of going to jail for what he did.

Three, Jensen is not a violent person by nature, and he is certainly not a killer.

“I don’t think he was gonna hurt me.”

Detective Morgan doesn’t look very surprised by Jared’s sudden light bulb moment. Instead, he is smiling softly.

“He wasn’t. We finally got Misha to talk and he told us a lot about Jensen. He’s not a violent person at all.”

Jared nods. The realization that Jensen wasn’t out to hurt him, wasn’t going to stab him at all, unclenches something inside of him and he relaxes into the feeling. He lets himself sink into the couch cushions, a relieved breath falling from his lips. The next moment, he chuckles a little hysterically.

“I really thought he was gonna kill me or something.”

Detective Morgan chuckles too, before leaning forward with his elbow on his knees and looking at Jared intently.

“Listen, Jared, I can’t tell you much about Misha nor Jensen, but I can tell you they are friends. Well, maybe not anymore, but they were. They met at the soup kitchen a few blocks away when they had both been chased away from their regular neighborhoods. I don’t know why, probably something drugs or sex related, but they ended up at the same soup kitchen on the same night and they stuck together. They had each other’s backs, lived together as it were. Jensen took Misha under his wing like a big brother, protected him from the other street kids.”

“What went wrong? Why did Misha steal from him? And why did Jensen stab him?”

“Well, Jensen’s been out on the streets for a long time. Really long, about fifteen years, and that leaves a mark. Jensen doesn’t think like other people, his reality and his set of rules don’t match ours. Misha wasn’t with him long enough to learn how to deal with that. Deal with him. You know what some of them are like.”

Jared snorts.

“Protective of their own, territorial and flammable.”

“Exactly. Jensen merely reacted as he would have it been any other person. Friends don’t mean anything out there, Jensen probably never really had a friend. If you’ve never had anything, how do you know how to handle it?”

Jared thinks gets it. He sees it every day he’s at the clinic with his own eyes. But the people at the clinic come in for help, and the violent side of that life is not something Jared sees often or really knows. The way Detective Morgan tells it makes sense, though. What would have been an all-out yelling match between two grown men who would part ways and never see each other again in the normal world, gets twisted into a stabbing on the streets of New York.

“He acted out of nature and habit, not anger.”

It is too disrespectful to compare Jensen to an animal; if anything, Jensen is a hundred times smarter than any animal or human out there. A quick count tells him Jensen’s been on the streets since he was seven or eight and he’s managed to survive so far. Jared challenges anyone to do that and not go completely mental before getting yourself killed.

“Yes. He was just protecting what was his, and what is yours on the streets is worth a whole lot more than the same thing is worth up here.”

Jared huffs at Detective Morgan’s choice of words. _Up here_. He’s right though; too many people look down at the people living on the streets just trying to stay alive without safety nets, a roof over their heads or family. Yes, many of them are junkies, and they’re on the streets due to their own stupid choices, but Jensen is not like that. Jared is convinced Jensen is not like that.

“I can’t tell you much more, I’m sorry. I just wanted to give you some context to everything that’s happening. Don’t get me wrong, Jensen still committed a crime, and if you see him again, you need to call me. Just remember he won’t hurt you if you don’t hurt him. Okay?”

Jared nods.

“Okay.”

Detective Morgan gets up and gestures for Jared to follow him.

“I’m driving you home.”

Jared feels obliged to object to being treated like a weak kitten that can’t defend himself, but secretly he loves Detective Morgan for doing it. With Sadie at the apartment and the surprise scare earlier, he probably wouldn’t have been able to make himself leave the clinic to go home.

The short drive home is done in tense silence until they reach Jared’s building. Jared keeps glancing around him for any sign of Jensen, and he catches Detective Morgan doing the same. Nothing happens. At his building, Jared takes out his keys and opens the door. He turns to Detective Morgan with a small smile.

“Thanks, detective. For everything.”

Detective Morgan shrugs like it was nothing.

“Call me Jeff. And don’t mention it, I’ll sleep better knowing you’re home safe.”

“I appreciate it anyway.”

Jeff leans back against his car and throws Jared a reassuring smile.

“Then appreciate it some more. I’m posting a cop car outside your building and the clinic for a few days, in case Jensen shows up again. And to help you sleep. They’ll be here in a little while, I’ll wait for them. Go in, go to bed.”

Jared doesn’t even think about protesting the protection, not when he is still shaking with suppressed fear and residual adrenalin. He is squatting the building he is living in, along with just a handful of other people scattered over all the floors and apartments, so it’s nice to know someone’s keeping an eye out for a while. He simply nods in thanks and heads inside. He falls asleep instantly, the image of Jeff outside his door keeping watch clear in his mind.

******

Jared avoids the clinic for the next few days and stays inside his apartment as much as he can. He has classes and he goes to school for those, but he doesn’t work late at the clinic. The cops outside his building don’t do much towards settling Jared’s nerves, and he doesn’t sleep well the first couple of nights. He talks to Jeff every day, even if it’s just a few minutes, and with every day that passes uneventful, Jared slowly starts to feel better. After five days of nothing happening, Jeff and Jared decide to stop the surveillance. Jared doesn’t sleep the first night they’re gone, but when nothing happens for two more days, he figures it’s time to get back to his normal life.

He goes back to the clinic a week after Jensen ambushed him in the alley. He doubles the afternoon shift with Janice and stays until ten to cover the night shift. It’s a quiet day, and Jared finds himself cleaning and tidying up the clinic. The radio is on and for the first time in a week, Jared feels at ease. He even goes out in the alley to throw out the trash. Nothing happens. He walks home alone. Nothing happens. It’s nice to have his life back.

Everything is normal and easy for the first time since the stabbing, and it feels really good.

But then he starts to feel eyes on the back of his head. It prickles his neck and makes him shiver. He never sees anyone watching him, but he knows someone is. Someone in the shadows, someone smart enough to not get caught doing it. Jared knows it’s Jensen.

He makes a deliberate attempt at not being afraid and carrying on with his normal routines, but he is not afraid to admit he feels better for having Sadie with him at night. He tells Jeff about the feeling of being watched, but Jeff can’t really do anything without something actually happening. Jared understands, and the knowledge that it’s Jensen watching him does make it a little better to handle. At least he knows who it is.

And then the first present shows up. Jared nearly trips over the package in front of his door when he gets back from his morning classes. His front door, three stories up, inside. A frisson of fear runs through him, but the hallway is empty and silent, no one is going to jump him. The package is small, it doesn’t tick or smell, and Jared smacks himself mentally for even thinking of bombs. This isn’t James Bond, get it together. He picks up the small box and takes it inside with him. Sadie is on him immediately, pushing her nose against the thing in her owner’s hand and licking her lips. Something edible then.

He opens the present in the kitchen and a small dog chew snack falls to the counter. Sadie barks excitedly, but Jared doesn’t dare give it to her. What if it’s poisoned? Jared’s sure it’s from Jensen and Jensen wouldn’t hurt his dog, but still. He followed Jared home and broke into his building to leave this for him. For Sadie. It’s strange, and Jared has no clue what to do with it.

“Jeff? It’s Jared.”

“Hey Jared, what’s up? How’ve you been?”

“Pretty good actually.”

“Still feeling watched?”

“Yeah, but I can handle that. At least I know it’s not some nut job, right?”

Jeff chuckles.

“That’s one way of looking at it. I’m sorry I can’t do anything about it Jared, I wish I could.”

Jared hesitates. Some kind of fucked up logic is making him doubt whether he should tell Jeff about the doggy treat on his doorstep, as if he would be betraying Jensen by doing so. Jensen follows him and watches him, sure, but he hasn’t hurt Jared and leaving a present for his dog isn’t all that dangerous either. Maybe he’s overreacting.

“Yeah, about that. He uhm- He left me something.”

Jeff immediately sounds alert.

“What do you mean, something?”

“Well, there was a small package on my doorstep when I got home just now, with a dog snack in it. For Sadie.”

“Did you see who left it? Jensen?”

“I don’t know, but I think so, yes. Who else could it be?”

Jeff has to admit it does seem most likely. Jared agrees to drop the dog treat off at the police station so it can be tested for anything that would hurt Sadie, but when he gets the results back the next day, there’s nothing. Jared feeds the chew snack to Sadie hesitantly and keeps a sharp eye on her, but she seems perfectly happy and content with her treat. It doesn’t ease Jared’s mind at all.

The next present comes two days later, when Jared opens the door to leave for his afternoon classes. It wasn’t there when he went for a run earlier that morning, so Jensen must have dropped it off when Jared was right there, on the other side of the door, studying. For a fleeting moment, Jared wishes Jensen would have knocked, he has so many questions he wants to ask Jensen despite being afraid of him. It’s a strange feeling, and Jared scowls at his own Stockholm syndrome-ish thoughts. He takes the deck of playing cards Jensen left him and puts it on the table. Sadie sniffs it once before trotting back to her pillow and Jared chuckles.

“Some guard dog you are. What if it was a bomb? You would have just walked away from me because it isn’t edible?”

Sadie looks at him as if he’s gone mad. Maybe he has.

A week later, two more ‘gifts’ have joined the first two. The book is innocent enough, even though Jared knows Jensen probably stole it from somewhere. The title is ‘Coma’ and it is a book by Robin Cook. Jared’s never heard of the author and he tries not to think about the title too much. He’s pretty sure Jensen doesn’t want to put him in a coma or anything. Hearing Jeff confirm it does reassure him though. The bracelet might be pushing the envelope a little, as far as Jared is concerned. It’s too intimate, too personal, and it freaks Jared out. Jeff can’t do much about it but try to rationalize what Jensen might mean with his gifts, but it’s a guessing game for both of them.

Bottom line is, Jeff can’t do anything unless Jensen is found and arrested. He adds stalking to the list of Jensen’s crimes, but Jared doesn’t think Jensen will lose sleep over it. Unlike him.

The first time one of Jensen’s presents shows up at the clinic, it is sitting on the front desk waiting for him. Janice says someone dropped it off for him and no, the guy wasn’t anything like Jared described. Not Jensen then. It confuses Jared, what if this isn’t Jensen’s doing? What if someone else is stalking him and sending him anonymous gifts? Only this one isn’t anonymous. There’s a small note tucked inside the wrappings and when Jared unfolds it, there’s a message written in a choppy, uncoordinated scrawl.

_I’m sorry. Jensen._

The wrapping paper isn’t held together by tape or anything, it’s just rolled up around the watch inside. It is obvious it is used; the watch is dirty and scratched and the back is peeling from wear. Jensen probably stole this from someone.

Jensen stole a watch for Jared to apologize.

It’s fucked up, it really is, but the dreamy side of Jared thinks it is sweet too. In his own way, Jensen reached out to Jared.

“Jensen? Who’s Jensen?”

Janice’s voice interrupts his thoughts. She’s frowning at the note and the watch in Jared’s hands and there’s hesitance in her tone. Jared’s first reaction is to defend Jensen and the gift, but then his sane mind comes back online and he realizes it really is strange and definitely not normal to be stalked by a street criminal who steals other people’s belongings to gift them to Jared. It is some kind of insane version of wooing.

But what does Jensen want?

He mumbles something about a vague friend to Janice, before hastily disappearing in the office to call Jeff. He reports all of Jensen’s gifts to Jeff. There’s nothing Jeff can do, but Jared feels better for at least sharing it with someone. And if Jensen ever decides to snap and hurt Jared, everything will be on the record. Just because he’s irrationally intrigued by Jensen and wants to find out what makes him tick and why he is obsessed with Jared, doesn’t mean he can’t be sensible about it.

Over the course of two weeks, Jared receives six more gifts. They get dropped off at the clinic - always by someone other than Jensen if Jared’s not working -, at his apartment - either in the mailbox and on his doorstep - and once in the pigeonhole at school. There are gloves after it freezes one night, and Jared still doesn’t understand why Jensen didn’t keep them for himself, what with Jared having a roof over his head and a winter coat as opposed to Jensen. A soda can sitting on his doormat one day, with a Twizzler next to it and a note from Jensen that said he would be having the same. Jared doesn’t know whether to be amused or sad. The latest gift is a smudged, dog-eared copy of Oliver Twist, and Jared can’t help but smile at the irony. He takes the book inside with him and reads it in one go. He figures he owes Jensen.

******

Jared’s initial freak-out over the presents is long gone. It is actually nice to get some attention from someone, and he gets it now; he understands what they mean and what Jensen is doing. Or at least he thinks he does. Jensen never shows himself, so Jared never gets the opportunity to ask or talk to Jensen about it. At first, he starts bringing Sadie out to see if she acts like someone is around so he can maybe catch Jensen hovering, but she never does more than sniff the new gift and look up at Jared with a wag of her tail. Jared leaves little notes on his door and asks his colleagues at the clinic to give the guy that drops the gifts off instead of Jensen the message that Jared wants to see Jensen.

Jensen never shows.

That is, until a Thursday night when it is freezing cold outside and the silence and peace are interrupted by the sounds of glass breaking and something heavy stumbling into the metal garbage dumpster coming from the back alley. Jared immediately knows it’s Jensen.

He wraps himself up in his coat, but just as he wants to open the door to step outside, a tiny little voice inside of his head makes him stop and think. Does he actually know what Jensen’s goal is with the presents and the stalking? How does he know that Jensen’s won’t hurt him? There’s no proof he won’t. In fact, Jared only has proof he doesn’t shy away from violence when necessary, not the opposite. He has to admit he hasn’t told anyone about Jensen and the gifts, apart from Jeff, because he damn well knows it’s a little more than weird.

On the other hand, nothing about the gifts screams “I want to maim or kill you”, Jensen hasn’t approached him in weeks, and Jeff hasn’t reported anything else happening that could lead to Jensen. And if Jared’s being completely honest, he is extremely curious about who Jensen is and why he’s taken such an interest in Jared.

His curiosity wins out in the end. The freezing cold air hits him in the face when he opens the door, but Jensen is standing in the middle of the alley in just his hoodie and jeans. He’s swaying slightly and Jared immediately notices the broken bottles scattered around. Jensen sees him looking at them and he scowls.

“They’re not all mine. Just-”

Jensen nearly stumbles over when he cranes his neck to look around him, and Jared takes an aborted step forward. Jensen is drunk, and that equals unpredictable. Jared’s seen it too many times to count, they get a lot of drunks in the clinic.

“Just a few. Not- not all of them.”

Jared raises his hands in a defensive manner and tries to look as unthreatening as he can. Jensen seems agitated, so Jared backs away from him as far as he can, until his back is against the door and he can feel the knob poking him. Good, at least he knows where it is when - if - he needs it. Right now, Jensen is more focused on staying standing while he drains the last of his beer than attacking Jared though. He lets the bottle drop to the ground and fixes half-lidded eyes on Jared.

“Hi. Jared. Jared and Sadie.”

Jensen smiles, but it looks sad and maybe a bit wistful to Jared.

“There was a dog once, before-”

Jensen cuts himself off and waves a hand around as if it doesn’t matter what he was going to say. Jared wants to know, but it’s probably not a good idea to start asking questions about things that Jensen clearly doesn’t want to talk about when he’s like this.

“You get my- the things?”

Jared nods.

“I did, thank you.”

Jensen nods and grins stupidly.

“Hi.”

Jared can’t suppress a small smile. A drunk Jensen can be a powder keg, but it makes him look about five years old too. It’s almost cute. His eyes have an excited glint - Jared ignores the small voice in the back of his mind that whispers “crazy” - and his face lights up with mischief. Jared can spot freckles on Jensen’s cheeks and nose, and he realizes Jensen is actually a very attractive guy.

“You’re staring at me.”

“You have been staring at me for a long time.”

Shit, he didn’t mean for that to come out! Don’t remind the stalker of his behavior if you can avoid it, Jared! He opens his mouth to apologize or take it back, anything to smooth it over, but Jensen isn’t looking angry. Instead, he shuffles his feet and his face falls. He shrugs and Jared is reminded again of a little five year old.

“Sorry.”

Jared’s not sure how to respond to that. He can’t really say it’s okay, because it’s not. He shrugs too, hopes it’s enough of an answer for Jensen. It is, Jensen nods once and seems to leave it at that. He shuffles towards one of the dumpsters and lets himself sag to the ground against it. He leans his head back against it to look at Jared. There’s a thoughtful look on his face and the silence stretches out so long, Jared lowers himself to the ground too, to sit on the doorstep to the clinic.

“You work here. With people like me.”

Jensen sounds amazed, and Jared’s heart aches at the implications.

“Why?”

Jared knows Jensen isn’t asking about why he wants to work at the clinic; he wants to know why Jared chose to associate himself with the people that live in the streets; the junkies, the criminals, and the whores. It’s not the disdain his family showed him when he had told them about his volunteering job during one of his ice-cold, rare phone calls home. This is genuine confusion over something he doesn’t get. Jared only has one answer to that.

“Because I care.”

Jensen’s eyes widen at that.

“About me?”

“About you, about the others, I just care.”

Jensen’s eyes dim again and he looks down at his hands. They’re wringing the hem of his hoodie nervously, and Jared wonders again what Jensen is doing here, with him.

“They said that too. The people at the-”

He cuts himself off again, but this time Jared pushes. He wants to know, he has so many questions and he would like to get at least one answered.

“What people?”

Jensen shakes his head and Jared opens his mouth to try again, but Jensen is quicker.

“You’re gonna call the police.”

“I have to.”

“I know.”

Jensen starts to scramble up from his spot on the ground and when he’s up on wobbly legs, he starts pacing the alley unsteadily. Jared’s afraid he’s gonna run, but stays seated where he is; he doesn’t want to provoke Jensen in any way. Even though Jensen makes no move to do anything to Jared and he doesn’t seem angry or aggravated at all, he is still drunk and unpredictable. But Jensen doesn’t run. He stumbles around the alley in silence, bumping into the dumpsters and the walls and tripping over his own feet until he comes to a standstill a few feet away from Jared. He stares at Jared for a long time and Jared stares right back. It takes a lot of his willpower to stay seated calmly, not fidget under Jensen’s intense gaze, but he manages. Somehow, he passes some sort of test with Jensen, because a big grin spreads over Jensen’s face.

“You are different. I knew it.”

Jared can’t help but smile back at that.

“Different how?”

“From all of them. The others.”

Jared knows what Jensen means. The others, everyone who has pretended to care about Jensen in some way and then turned their backs at him. People that said they cared, but didn’t really. The people Jensen trusted at one point in his life.

“Why do you say that?”

“You’re not scared.”

Jared snorts.

“I was. You scared me a lot when you came to see me a few weeks ago. And when you started following me and leaving me those things? I was a little scared too, I didn’t know why you did that.”

He didn’t mean for it all to come out like that, but there it is.

“Why did you do that?”

Jensen looks nervous again, ashamed almost. He shuffles his feet before starting up the pacing again. He doesn’t answer, but Jared can see his mind whirling with answers, questions, implications, consequences, and possible responses. He voices none of them.

“I stole it from the liquor store at your house. The beer. You know, the one with the mean girl in it?”

Jensen hiccups with a giggle.

“She called me a junkie last week, so I stole from her.”

It startles a laugh out of Jared, and Jensen smiles at the sound. It’s a nice smile, and suddenly Jared wants to make him smile more often. He’s not surprised at the flare of possessiveness and affection that goes through him, he’s always had a soft spot for the slightly broken and beaten, and Jensen somehow pushes all of his buttons. The fear he initially felt has been pushed away to be replaced by fondness and care. Criminal or not, Jensen is a person who’s just reaching out for some kindness and Jared has never been able to resist that. Yes, stealing is wrong, but Jensen is trying to survive and getting back at someone who’s been mean to him. Jared can understand.

“You really should call your cop friend.”

Jared’s getting used to the random subject changes, and Jensen is right.

“I should.”

“Why haven’t you called him yet?”

“Because I am talking to you.”

That surprises Jensen and he falls silent. Suddenly Jared realizes Jensen **wants** him to call Jeff. Other people would have called the cops a long time ago and it confuses Jensen that Jared hasn’t done that yet. No matter how different Jensen thinks Jared is, he still needs to conform to most of Jensen’s ideas of what is normal and what isn’t, or else Jensen will shy away. Jensen doesn’t like unpredictability any more than Jared does.

Jared takes his phone from his pocket and dials Jeff’s number.

“NYPD, Detective Morgan.”

“Jeff, it’s Jared.”

“Hey Jared, what’s up?”

Jared looks straight at Jensen when he talks to Jeff.

“Jensen’s here. He’s in the alley, right now.”

Jensen twitches, but then visibly relaxes.

“Shit. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. We’re just talking.”

Jeff hesitates for a second, lets Jared’s words sink in and then he gets it.

“He’s gonna be gone by the time we get there, won’t he?”

Jensen is already backing out of the alley.

“Yeah, probably.”

Jeff sighs.

“Alright. I won’t come by. Just be careful.”

“I will. Thanks Jeff.”

Jared pockets his phone and just sits and watches Jensen. Jensen is still shuffling away, into the shadows, never taking his eyes off Jared.

“You don’t have to go. He’s not coming over.”

Jensen nods, but doesn’t stop backing away into the shadows.

“Ackles. It’s Ackles.”

Jared starts to rise to his feet, but it makes Jensen skitter away and Jared freezes.

“What is?”

“My last name. Have your cop friend look it up.”

Jensen turns, but Jared calls out to him.

“Jensen! Don’t- No more gifts, okay? And no more following me around. Just come see me. Talk to me.”

He can hardly see Jensen anymore, the shadows swallowing him up as if he belonged there. To Jared, he doesn’t. Not anymore.

“Talk?”

“Yes, talk. We can be-”

He hesitates to say the word, but he knows he wants to, if only to assure Jensen he means it.

“Friends.”

There’s no answer, no sound, no Jensen. Jared sighs and stares at the deep dark shadow Jensen disappeared into and wonders if he did the right thing. He can’t bear the thought of having driven Jensen away, not now that Jensen’s looking for something from Jared, even if Jared doesn’t know what it is yet. He’s invested now, his heart is anyway. He needs to see Jensen again.

He calls Jeff back and gives him the name Jensen gave him. Ackles. Jeff says he’ll look into it, but he’s not allowed to share any information with Jared as they are on opposite sides of an ongoing criminal case. Jared doesn’t tell Jeff what he and Jensen talked about, no specifics anyway, but Jeff is smart enough to figure Jared out.

“Just be careful, okay? I know you want to help him, just remember what I told you earlier. He doesn’t know help, doesn’t understand what it is and how to handle it. Watch yourself. And call me if he shows up again.”

“I’ll do that, thanks Jeff.”

He goes home and lies awake in bed for hours, unable to stop thinking about everything Jensen did not say, all the things he stopped from coming out of his mouth and what they meant. And all the things he said and did, the pile of questions that never got any smaller and the answers Jensen didn’t give. It is frustrating and it only makes Jared more curious.

******

Jensen doesn’t show up for a week, but there are no more presents either. Jared doesn’t feel followed anymore, and it somehow disappoints him a little. He has gotten used to having eyes following him, finding little gifts for himself and Sadie and pretending it wasn’t weird and illegal at all. It completely throws him for a loop to realize he misses Jensen.

He worries, too. About where Jensen is and if he’s safe. He knows it’s stupid, Jensen’s been out on the streets for most of his life, of course he’s fine. But then another week goes by without any signs of Jensen, and Jared seriously contemplates searching for him. It’s completely irrational, and he knows it. He calls Jeff, but he tells Jared there’s no sign of Jensen from their end either. It’s like he’s vanished off the earth. Jared has to actively force himself to focus on his classes instead of Jensen.

Christmas is a nice distraction, and Jared busies himself with presents for his family - sent by mail, he wouldn’t want to go home and visit them even if he had been invited - and his colleagues. He puts up a small tree at the clinic, and spends Christmas Eve unpacking presents for him and Sadie that his colleagues and one very thoughtful classmate bought them. On Christmas Day, there’s a note in his mailbox. Jared recognizes the handwriting as Jensen’s, and his heart skips a beat.

_You said no presents, so a note will have to do. Merry Christmas, Jared and Sadie. Jensen_

Jared stands in the hallway of his building smiling like a loon until a neighbor comes in and her tiny fluff ball on paws yips at him angrily. He directs the smile at Mrs. Hannigan and wishes her and Charlie a merry Christmas. When he opens a beer to have with his dinner, he silently toasts Jensen. He hopes he at least went to one of the soup kitchens around the city.

By the time New Year’s rolls around, Jared has given up on ever seeing Jensen again. It’s probably not like anything’s happened, Jensen probably just spooked after that night in the alley and their talk. Jensen had let slip a few things that he is smart enough to know Jared would have been able to put together. Foster care, living on the streets, betrayal, and hunger. Jared still wants to know how and why and when and everything else, but Jensen doesn’t want to talk about it and it’s not like Jared is getting a chance to ask him any of the questions he still has.

But then he sees Jensen. It’s January 3rd and it’s freezing cold. Jared’s hunched up in his coat, scarf, and woolen hat and he is still chattering his teeth from the biting wind. Jensen is sitting on a bench in the park a few blocks from Jared’s school, wearing nothing but a hoodie, jeans, sneakers, and fingerless gloves. He is smoking a cigarette, and Jared just watches him for a while. Jensen looks good, if a little cold. He’s calm too, not at all twitchy or nervous; he’s just another guy sitting on a bench having a smoke.

He has no idea if going over to Jensen is a good idea, but he wants to badly. Very badly. It is strange how much things have changed over the course of a few weeks, when **he** hasn’t changed at all, and neither has Jensen. But now, today, Jared wants nothing more than to wrap Jensen up in a blanket and park him in front of a fire until he’s nice and toasty and healthy. Coffee from the cart on the street corner will have to do for now.

“Here. I didn’t know if you take milk or sugar, so it’s just black.”

Jensen startles at Jared’s voice, and wide eyes look up at him for a few moments before Jensen takes the proffered coffee. He shifts to the side a little to make room for Jared, and Jared takes the invitation gladly.

“Thanks. Black is good.”

“You’re welcome.”

They sit and sip their coffee in silence. Jared can feel Jensen’s eyes on him the entire time; he can almost hear the thoughts running through Jensen’s mind. Most importantly, why Jared is here and why he bought him coffee. Jared decides not to answer any of those questions unless Jensen voices them. He leaves it all up to Jensen, including what he tells Jared and not. Pushing doesn’t help, he tried that. Now he’s gonna try and be what he said he would be; a friend.

“I’m not following you.”

“I know.”

“Because this is pretty close to your school, but I’m not following you.”

Jared smiles.

“I know. Don’t worry about it.”

Jensen falls silent and Jared hopes it’s in acceptance.

“Did you get my note?”

“I did. A merry belated Christmas to you too.”

Jensen chuckles at that.

“What did you do?”

Jensen hesitates.

“I went to the church near the clinic, Saint Frances, to get some food.”

“Yeah? Was it any good?”

Jensen shrugs.

“It was food, that’s good enough.”

“I had a pizza in front of my television. Oh, and a beer, can’t forget the beer.”

Jensen chuckles again and Jared whoops on the inside. That’s twice he’s made Jensen laugh already.

“Sounds like fun. What about your family?”

The last word is spoken softly, a bit wistfully, but Jared ignores the urge to ask. Instead, he answers Jensen truthfully.

“They don’t like me much. Made a few decisions they didn’t agree with, and now I’m the black sheep of the family. I don’t see them much. Sent them presents though.”

A whole slew of emotions cross Jensen’s face, and Jared has trouble deciphering one. Jensen settles on something close to neutral and nods.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Jensen pauses before looking at Jared with a hard expression on his face.

“You said you’d be my friend. I don’t trust friends.”

Jared is suddenly reminded of Misha and he rushes to explain.

“No, I didn’t mean like that, not like- I meant, I’d like to be someone you can... I don’t know? Hang out with? Talk to? Just- I don’t want anything from you, I don’t expect anything from you. I’d just like to be someone you can-”

He doesn’t want to say trust, knows Jensen isn’t going to react to that any more kindly than to the word friend. He settles for silence instead, but Jensen seems to be placated for now.

“Okay.”

It’s silent for a long time, and Jared gets up to get two more cups of coffee that Jensen accepts with a small smile. When Jensen speaks again, it is not at all what Jared thought he was gonna say.

“I was three. It was a fire.”

Jared just nods. He’s afraid if he says anything, it’ll interrupt Jensen and he’ll leave again. But Jensen doesn’t seem to notice him. He’s staring into space while he continues to talk, lost in memories and thoughts.

“Me and my sister, we got out. The rest of my- We got separated. I ran away when I was twelve, ran so far no one could find me. I stayed alive, did what I had to do.”

At first Jared thinks he’s talking about drugs and sex, but Jensen talks about jacking cars and robbing stores. Stealing food and clothes from homes and stores, taking money from wallets and cash registers when possible.

“I was in and out of juvi for years, until I turned eighteen. They sent me to jail then, for longer times too. It was okay though, at least I had a roof over my head and three meals a day.”

Jared huffs a breath at the dismissive tone. Jensen looks at him in surprise, but Jared just shakes his head. Jensen’s not gonna understand why Jared’s heart hurts to hear him say those words in that way. Like jail was the best option for him.

“I uhm- I lived in Williamsburg most of the time, but some new guys wanted to take over and they bullied everyone out that wouldn’t work for them. I haven’t worked for anyone but myself in years.”

There’s anger in Jensen’s voice.

“I ended up here, midtown, and met Misha. And, well, you know the rest.”

The anger is replaced with something akin to regret.

“I know it was wrong to hurt him, but it was wrong to steal from me too. I have never stolen anything that people couldn’t miss. Ever. He said…”

“He said what?”

Jensen huffs. Regret turns to sadness.

“He said he was my friend.”

Jared nods, he knew that would still be an issue. He has no idea how to make Jensen believe him; somewhere, in the back of his mind, he already knows he never will be able to earn Jensen’s trust.

“You should call your cop friend.”

“You said that before too. Why?”

“They’re looking for me. It’s the right thing to do.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Jensen shakes his head with a snort.

“Then you’re stupid.”

“Why? Because I don’t want to see you go to jail?”

Jared’s starting to get worked up. He knows Jensen’s right, but he wants to have more time with Jensen so badly, he doesn’t want Jensen to be right.

“Because it’s obstruction of justice if you don’t.”

That takes the wind out of Jared’s sails. Jensen is right and Jared doesn’t want to get in trouble with Jeff. Jensen is already up from the bench.

“Goodbye Jared, I’ll see you around.”

“Come see me sometime? Just- At the clinic or something? Come by my building, we can have a drink or get something to eat.”

Jensen smiles, but Jared can’t feel better for it.

“This isn’t some Hollywood movie where the street kid gets saved by the pretty saint, Jared.”

“Just let me be your friend.”

Jensen sighs, but he sends a fond look at Jared.

“You’re not gonna give up, are you?”

“No.”

“Fine. I’ll come by. Just don’t hold your breath.”

“I won’t.”

It’s a lie, but Jensen doesn’t have to know that. He watches Jensen cross the street and disappear in a side street without looking back. He pulls his phone from his pocket and calls Jeff.

“Hey Jeff, it’s Jared. I saw Jensen. The park near Madison and Broadway. He’s gone now, but I thought you should know.”

******

Jared doesn’t see Jensen for weeks, and he misses him. He goes to class, helps at the clinic three nights a week, and starts taking walks with Sadie in the park he ran into Jensen. Nothing. Jeff calls every now and then to check up on him, see how he’s doing and if he’s heard from Jensen. Jared tries to ask Jeff about Jensen, try and get him to explain more, but Jeff just warns him and says something about the mental state of a lot of people that live on the streets. The word psychosis falls and Jared balks at that. Jeff simply says he should look it up and very realistically think about how Jensen was around him and what he did and said to Jared.

He doesn’t do it.

Jared knows what psychoses are, and Jensen does not have them. Jensen is just- scarred from life on the streets. Hardened, weathered, with his own set of morals and standards. There is nothing mentally wrong with Jensen, he’s not insane or psychotic or anything else that implies. Just because Jensen’s unpredictable at the best of times, he’s not clinically sick. Jared won’t believe it.

When Jensen does show up, it is March and Jared started thinking he was never going to see Jensen ever again. Jensen’s sitting on the curb outside his building, and he greets Jared with just a nod. Jared smiles wide, he is as much happy as he is relieved to see Jensen. He gestures for Jensen to follow him and they ascend the stairs in silence until they get to Jared’s door. There, Jared turns to Jensen and smiles apologetically.

“I’m sorry for the mess, I haven’t been home much lately.”

Jensen just shrugs.

“I know.”

He pushes his way past Jared into the apartment and immediately heads to the windows. Jared’s on the top floor and has an amazing view of the city. Sadie barks excitedly and Jensen greets her with a scratch behind her ears and a pat to her back. Jensen sits in the sill and stares out over the city. He doesn’t explain what he said and Jared doesn’t ask. He is too excited to see Jensen to want to ask awkward questions. Instead, he makes them some coffee and sits in the next window, absentmindedly petting Sadie when she sits next to him. They sip their coffee in silence until both their cups are drained. Jared gets a refill and gestures Jensen to sit on the couch.

“So how have you been?”

“Okay. Cold.”

Jared chuckles.

“Yeah, it’s been freezing.”

He wants to ask where Jensen slept and he very badly wants to offer Jensen to stay with him, but he does neither. Jensen probably wouldn’t answer anyway.

“I’m glad you’re here. Have you eaten?”

Jensen shrugs. No, then.

“I have some lasagna I can heat up?”

Jensen shrugs again.

“I’m kind of hungry myself, so how about we both eat?”

Jared doesn’t wait for Jensen’s reply; he just heads for the kitchen and puts the lasagna in the microwave. He leans against the doorjamb between the kitchen and the living room, and watches Jensen. He’s petting Sadie slowly, whispering things in her fur Jared can’t hear. His heart clenches at the thought of Jensen never having this, never knowing a home, never having a roof over his head and a friend offering him food.

The ding of the microwave interrupts his thoughts and Jared thinks it’s probably for the best. He was this-close to offering Jensen so stay with him indefinitely, take care of him for the rest of their lives. Instead, he fills two plates with the hot lasagna and takes them into the living room. He holds one out to Jensen who takes it gingerly before sniffing it. His eyes widen and he looks up at Jared.

“This smells delicious.”

Jared smiles.

“My grandmomma’s recipe. It’s the only thing I know how to make without burning the kitchen down.”

Jensen vaguely smirks and Jared playfully scowls at him.

“I don’t see you whipping up a three star meal.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he wants to take them back. He slaps a hand over his mouth and stares at Jensen in shock. Jensen is looking at the plate of lasagna in his hands, not meeting Jared’s eyes. Fuck, he really screwed up now.

“I’m so sorry, Jensen, I didn’t mean- Fuck, I’m sorry. Just- Say something, please.”

And then Jared looks at Jensen closely. His shoulders are shaking, but Jared’s pretty sure it’s not from crying.

“Are you laughing at me?”

Jensen cracks up completely at Jared’s indignant question. He bellows out a laugh and he has to set his plate down on the coffee table so he won’t drop it. Jared can’t help but laugh with him; it is too good to see him so carefree for a change.

When Jensen’s laughs die down, he wipes the tears from his eyes and grins at Jared. He doesn’t say anything, but the amused sparkle in his eye tells Jared he hasn’t fucked up and they’re okay. They finish their meal in silence and when the plates are clean, Jared takes them to the kitchen and starts the coffee maker.

“Coffee?”

Jensen joins him in the kitchen, leaning against the doorjamb as a mirror to Jared’s earlier pose. He watches Jared potter around the kitchen until the coffee is finished dripping and Jared looks at him questioningly.

“Yeah. Black.”

“I remember.”

Jared hands Jensen a cup and gestures back towards the living room. Jensen sits on the floor and leans his back against the couch, a shoulder softly brushing against Jared’s knee. Jared leans back against the couch and sips his coffee, waiting until Jensen speaks. His coffee is almost cold when Jensen finally does.

“You should call your cop friend.”

Frankly, Jared is getting a little tired of hearing those same six words every time he sees Jensen. From Jensen himself no less.

“No, I shouldn’t.”

Jensen’s shoulders slump.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t report my friends to the police.”

“Your friends?”

“Yeah, I told you. I want to be your friend.”

“I stabbed someone.”

“You did.”

“So you should report me.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. But maybe I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

This time, Jensen sounds genuinely confused.

“Because I want you to stay and have a few beers with me. Maybe watch a game or something.”

Jensen doesn’t respond. He doesn’t react at all for a long time and Jared’s about to do something, anything, to draw Jensen’s attention when Jensen rises to his feet slowly. He stands with his back to Jared and lifts his arms. In one smooth movement, Jensen pulls the hoodie from his body. He drops it to the ground and continues taking off the threadbare shirt and wife beater he has on under the hoodie. Jared shoots up and puts a hand between Jensen’s shoulder blades to make him stop.

“Stop. I don’t- What are you doing?”

He tries to turn Jensen around, but Jensen doesn’t budge. He simply starts unbuttoning his jeans and kicking his sneakers off without a word. Jared can feel panic rise in his throat and he scrambles around Jensen to grab his wrists and force him to stop undressing and look at Jared.

“Jensen, stop. Please stop.”

Jensen’s questioning eyes meet his and Jared is momentarily shocked into speechlessness. Jensen actually doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong.

“You want this.”

Jared shakes his head.

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Are you straight?”

“No. But that’s not important! Jensen, I don’t want you to do this.”

“But you want **me**. So have me, take me.”

Jared has to force himself to let go of Jensen and back away a few steps. Jensen is staring at him; half naked, jeans hanging open, and wide, confused eyes. Jensen looks like sin and Jared wants nothing more than to throw him down and ravish him.

No.

“I can’t. You don’t want it.”

Jensen frowns.

“It doesn’t matter if I want it or not.”

Jared wants to scream.

“Yes, it does! It should. I don’t- I would never take advantage of you like that. Just- Get dressed, please.”

Jensen makes no move to pick up his clothes. He just cocks his head and looks at Jared curiously.

“I don’t understand. You gave me coffee and food and you invited me into your house. You must want something from me.”

It physically hurts Jared to hear Jensen say those words. It hurts even more to know he believes them to be true and normal.

“That’s what friends do. They help each other out without wanting anything in return.”

Jensen considers this for a moment, but then shakes his head.

“No. That’s not how it works. That’s not- No one has ever- No.”

Jensen’s jeans and boxers are pushed down his legs and on the floor faster than Jared can comprehend, and then Jensen is naked. He is gorgeous. Pale freckled skin, thin but not underfed, bowlegs, soft curls at the base of his cock, and dark nipples on a strong chest. Jared’s hands are itching to reach out and slide all over Jensen’s body, make him sigh and moan, kiss every single freckle and then get him off harder than he ever has.

No, he really can’t.

Jensen advances on him, but Jared sidesteps the movement. He puts a hand up and asks Jensen to stop again.

“You don’t want this. Please Jensen, don’t.”

Jensen doesn’t listen, he’s mumbling something about paying back debt and not owing people, and it is starting to scare Jared a little. Jensen looks confused, but determined at the same time. Determined to pay Jared back for his kindness, confused by Jared not accepting. He follows Jared stepping away, until Jared’s legs hit the couch again and he tumbles down. He’s got Jensen in his lap the next second.

He opens his mouth to protest, but he’s got Jensen’s tongue down his throat the next heartbeat and his words get stuck along with it. Jensen’s got his hands on Jared’s shoulders, pinning him to the back of the couch and Jared can’t do more than try to wiggle out of Jensen’s hold, the kiss, and off the couch. He doesn’t get very far, Jensen tightens his thighs against Jared’s and uses his full weight to keep Jared in place. Jared manages to wrench his mouth away from Jensen’s to at least get the protest out.

“Jensen, no! Stop-”

The other words get lost on a groan when Jensen grinds his hips down and into Jared’s half hard cock. Jensen’s not hard, not even a bit, and it reaffirms for Jared that Jensen doesn’t want this. He manages to rip one arm free from Jensen’s grip and pushes against Jensen’s shoulder to get him to back off. Jensen doesn’t stop pressing himself up against Jared though, trying to reach his lips and throat, still grinding down on Jared like he can convince Jared to just do it with the pressure of his groin against Jared’s. And dammit if it isn’t working.

Jared screws his eyes shut and lets himself go completely limp under Jensen. Fighting doesn’t help, so maybe not reacting at all will. And it does. Jensen goes still as soon as he realizes Jared isn’t moving anymore and he sits back on Jared’s lap to look at him. Jared can feel his questioning gaze on him, but he doesn’t dare open his eyes. If he does, he might give in after all, and that’s not what Jensen wants. That’s not what Jared wants for Jensen.

But then Jensen’s lips brush over his closed eyes and Jared feels him lean in to whisper in his ear.

“Touch me, Jared. Please, touch me. I want you to. I- I need you to. I know you want me, I know. And I can give it to you. Please Jared.”

Jensen bites down on Jared’s earlobe and Jared can’t stop the groan slipping from between his lips. Jensen’s voice is pure sin in his ear and he can feel his resolve evaporating into thin air. Jensen’s still rocking his hips against Jared’s in little circular motions, making Jared uncomfortably hard in his jeans. There’s no denying he wants it, but his mind is still screaming at him not to do this to Jensen, to back away and make it stop. Now.

But then Jensen sneaks a hand between their bodies and squeezes Jared’s cock hard through his jeans.

“Please Jared, please don’t reject me. Not you too. I need this, I want this, I do. Just let me do this, please. Let me show you how good it can be. Please Jared, don’t turn me away. Please.”

Something snaps inside of Jared. Jensen’s pleas in his ear, the constant squeeze of Jensen’s hand on his cock and the soft pants of air against his neck; it all builds up until there’s only one way out. In a flash, Jared’s got Jensen on his back on the couch and his teeth on Jensen’s neck in a parody of a love bite. Jared’s angry, horny, and so damned tired of being responsible, rational, and careful. It is wrong and he knows it, but he doesn’t have the strength to care anymore.

Jensen arches up against him with a sigh, rubbing up against Jared like a cat in heat. He is panting, a soft whine slipping out every now and then, and it all goes straight to Jared’s cock. He struggles to get his jeans open and down to his thighs, along with his boxers. He can feel Jensen’s cracked fingernails digging into his back, leaving crescent shaped marks. Without letting go of the skin in Jensen’s neck, he lifts one of Jensen’s legs around his waist and grinds his cock against Jensen’s ass roughly. Jensen mewls and Jared can feel the nails breaking skin and drawing blood. The pain shoots right through him, pooling low in his gut. His cock is pushing against Jensen’s hole and Jared wants nothing less than bury himself inside of Jensen with one long push, but the rational part of his brain that’s still online makes him reconsider.

He lets go of Jensen’s neck and lifts his head to look around for anything that would pass as lube. When his eyes fall on Jensen’s face, everything comes to a grinding halt. He’s got his eyes squeezed shut and his head turned into the back of the couch as if trying to hide. The corners of his eyes are wet with unshed tears and Jared realizes the death grip on his back isn’t due to want but anxiousness.

“Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

He immediately pushes himself off and up, and backs away to the farthest wall of the apartment. Jensen opens his eyes, startled, and stares at Jared in shock. He slowly rises from the cushions and gets up on his feet. He makes his way to Jared, but Jared shakes his head frantically.

“No, no, no, stay back. Stay there. You- You don’t want this. I’m so fucking sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- Just- Don’t come any closer, please.”

Panic and guilt are coursing through his body like electricity. He can’t look at Jensen for fear of giving in to the lust again. Instead, he buries his head in his hands and tries to calm himself down. He hears Jensen coming closer until a cold hand settles on his hip. It is all the warning he gets before Jensen presses against him from head to toe. Jensen rests there for a moment, before sliding down to his knees and whispering, “Look at me”. Jared shakes his head behind his hands, but it doesn’t stop Jensen from wrapping a hand around Jared’s cock and giving it a few strokes. When Jensen’s tongue licks the tip of his cock, he twitches and Jensen chuckles darkly.

“You want it, I know you do. Watch me, Jared, watch me suck you off.”

The sudden shift in moods is jarring enough for Jared to take his hands away and stare down at Jensen. Jensen’s on his knees, looking up at Jared through his lashes and smirking around the head of Jared’s cock. Jensen winks once and then he’s sliding his mouth down Jared’s cock. The heat is delicious and enough to wipe all thoughts about strange behavior and guilt from his mind in favor of trying to stay standing and breathing. Jensen’s tongue is everywhere at the same time and he is going to town like he wants to suck Jared’s brains out through his dick. If he keeps it up, he might just get his wish.

It is as if there’s a war going on in Jared’s body between his libido and his mind. One is telling him to just give in and enjoy, the other is screaming at him to stop Jensen from doing this and fucking up everything. The little devil on his shoulder whispering in one ear, the angel in the other. Jared is torn between spilling his load into Jensen’s eager mouth or prying him away and stopping this whole thing. He doesn’t have enough brain cells left to weigh pros and cons and consider the consequences of either possibility and that is what becomes his downfall.

Before he can act on any of the things running through his mind, Jensen’s fingers creep behind his balls and to his hole and one finger sinks inside. It takes one sweep over his prostate to make him gasp and come deep in Jensen’s throat. He groans something close to a no, or a fuck, but Jensen doesn’t acknowledge him in the slightest. Instead, he keeps sucking Jared off and fucking him with one finger so he doesn’t go soft. It’s almost painful, but Jared doesn’t have the coordination or consciousness yet to make Jensen stop, his orgasm still coursing through his body. But then Jensen is on his feet, pulling Jared to the couch. Jared’s Jell-O limbs refuse to struggle much and Jensen has no trouble throwing him on the couch on his back. He climbs in Jared’s lap and sinks down on his cock in one hard movement. Jared yells in surprise and jerks up, but Jensen pins him down with his hands on his arms and immediately starts moving up and down on Jared’s cock.

It all happens so fast and rough, Jared’s world is spinning. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on and how Jensen does it, but it is good. Too good. Too fast. Jared’s almost instantly on the edge of orgasm again. He trashes his head around on the cushion, squeezes his eyes shut against the onslaught of sensations and stimuli. He can’t breathe, can’t hear anything but the roar in his ears, can’t feel anything but Jensen’s ass around his cock and his hands pressing Jared down. He doesn’t want this, not anymore, but he can’t do anything but lay there and let Jensen do what he wants.

There’s a voice far away moaning and pleading. He can’t make out who it is, but the words start filtering through lowly.

“Please love me, please. I didn’t mean to- Please, don’t say no. I just want you to love me. Please.”

With a shock, he realizes it’s Jensen. His eyes fly open and he meets Jensen’s wide, begging eyes. Tears are streaming down his face and Jensen is spilling the words to him

“Please don’t leave me. Tell me you’ll stay. Save me. Please love me. I can’t- Don’t- Please.”

Hearing Jensen say these things is like bucket of ice-cold water. He wonders what has happened to Jensen to make him beg like this, for this, and how he ever thought he could give Jensen anything he craves. He can’t, not like Jensen needs, no matter how much he wants it. This isn’t just being a friend to someone, promising Jensen he’ll be there for him. This is about Jensen being confused, broken, scarred so deep nothing Jared will do is ever going to make it better. He is never going to be able to make Jensen believe he means well, that he wants to take care of Jensen. He’ll never be able to make Jensen trust him.

Jared can’t do this.

He goes completely still - he never even realized his hips were meeting Jensen thrust for thrust - and says Jensen’s name to get his attention. Jensen doesn’t respond though, he just keeps on fucking himself on Jared’s cock, the same pleas falling from his lips over and over again. It scares Jared again and it reaffirms that they need to stop this and he needs to talk to Jensen. He raises his voice, but Jensen closes his eyes against it and picks up speed with his hips. Jared can’t deny it feels good, his body is on board anyway, and with Jensen still pressing him down there’s not much he can do but take it. Jensen leans forward to kiss Jared roughly and when their tongues meet, he groans deep in his throat and spills between their bellies. The squeeze of his ass around Jared’s cock tips Jared over too and he comes deep inside of Jensen with a groan.

Everything stops for a long moment. Jared doesn’t dare breathe and Jensen is draped over him silently. He doesn’t know what to do, what frame of mind Jensen is in and if he should try and rationalize with Jensen. He can’t wrap his mind around what happened just now and he’s pretty sure Jensen has even less of a clue. He can feel himself go soft and slip out of Jensen and suddenly he is disgusted by everything. He winces at the stickiness between them and he shifts a little. It gets Jensen’s attention and it’s like suddenly a switch flips in Jensen’s head.

Jensen lifts his head and looks down at Jared for a long moment. His face is completely blank, devoid of any emotion, and his eyes seems to not see anything at all. His gaze flits away, and he gets off the couch as if in a daze. He doesn’t say a word, doesn’t look at Jared, just picks up his clothes and pulls them on. Jared stares at Jensen for as long as it takes Jensen to pull on his boxers and jeans and then hastily dresses himself too.

Neither of them says a word as they dress, but it feels like everything is said anyway. There are regrets, apologies, explanations and promises and it leaves Jared drained and exhausted. He knows what is going to happen next, so instead of trying to stop the inevitable, he walks to his hall closet and pulls out one of his winter coats. He hands it to Jensen, who stares at it for a long, long time before taking it. He doesn’t meet Jared’s eyes, but Jared can see the small, grateful smile on his lips. It is enough of a thank you as he needs.

At the door, Sadie comes trudging up to Jensen from the bedroom and Jensen crouches down to give her a hug and a scratch behind her ears. She licks his face and Jensen chuckles softly. When he rises to his feet, he looks up at Jared and smiles lopsided.

“Thank you.”

Jared knows he doesn’t mean the coat or the sex or the food.

“You’re welcome.”

He doesn’t say goodbye and neither does Jensen. Jensen doesn’t look back as he makes his way to the staircase and then down. Jared stands in his doorway, staring at the last spot he saw Jensen in, for hours.

******

Jared’s phone rings the next day, just as he is making his way to class.

“Hey Jared, it’s Jeff.”

“Oh hey Jeff, what’s up?”

Jared didn’t call Jeff after Jensen left. It felt wrong to do so, but now that he hears Jeff’s voice, he feels a little guilty. He considers telling him now, but then Jeff drops a bombshell.

“We found Jensen.”

Jared’s heart misses a few beats.

“What?”

“Well, we didn’t exactly find him, he turned himself in this morning.”

“He what?”

He is aware his voice is squeaking, but what?

“Yeah, he just came to the station, asked for me personally, and then turned himself in. Said something about owing someone. You don’t happen to know what he meant by that, do you?”

Jared knows Jeff knows more than he’s letting on, but he also recognizes the tone.

“No. That also wasn’t my coat he was wearing.”

“Good, let’s keep it that way. Listen, I don’t know what you said or did, but thank you.”

Jared snorts.

“Don’t thank me, I didn’t do anything.”

“Jared, believe me, someone like Jensen doesn’t voluntarily turns himself in to the police out of the kindness of his heart. He did it for you.”

As if he isn’t feeling guilty enough already. He has no idea what to say to that so he just hums a little, while his heart is being ripped apart to pieces.

“Look, don’t feel bad. This is what’s best for everyone. Even Jensen. We’re gonna send him to the state prison, he’s got a few more things on his rap sheet that requires it to be a state affair, but Jensen can get help there. Learn how to cope on the outside, get help getting his GED and maybe even a job.”

Jared almost chokes on the hundreds of emotions running through him. He already was a mess of warring feelings and thoughts, and now this. It’s too much to handle, the idea of Jensen in prison, and he can’t. He abruptly hangs up the phone and turns it off. He doesn’t go to class and, instead, wanders the streets for hours in some kind of tribute to Jensen. He sits on the bench they had coffee and thinks about Jensen. He wonders if Jensen thinks about him too. When Jeff finds him, he is sitting on the curb in front of his building, frozen to the bone and shaking with everything. Jeff takes him upstairs and puts him to bed, but Jared doesn’t sleep. He can’t.

******

**Epilogue**

“Get me a caramel macchiato!”

“Yeah, yeah, princess, I know. Hold your horses.”

Jared watches Chad round the car and head into the Starbucks to get their coffees. They have about ten minutes to get to the set that’s twenty minutes away, and that’s without coffee runs, but Jared’s not worried. Someone is always coming in late and this is their first time since filming started three months ago.

When anyone asks, he overslept. In reality, he laid awake all night thinking about this day exactly two years ago. That night, and everything that happened after it, changed his life. Jensen. He doesn’t think about Jensen as much as he did last year, but he still dreams of bright green eyes and freckles every now and then. He had stopped talking to Jeff about two weeks after Jensen went to prison and he’s never gone to see Jensen, ever. He couldn’t, it would probably have broken him.

“Hey, I’m not your cup holder.”

Jared is startled from his musings by Chad’s impatient voice. He takes the cup from Chad and stares outside as he waits for Chad to get in the car. That’s when a familiar face catches his attention. Startled green eyes meet his through the window of the coffee shop, freckles visible even from the distance.

Jensen.

Jared can just make out the Starbucks cap on Jensen’s head before Chad starts the car and swerves into traffic. Jared wants to scream at him to stop, to pull over and let him get to Jensen, but then he’ll have to explain everything. He’ll have to explain why he never came to see Jensen after Jensen went to prison **for him**.

Chad is talking a mile a minute, but Jared doesn’t hear him. He misses most of what happens on set that day and he can’t really care about how much he screws up the takes. When shooting is over, he takes a cab to that same Starbucks, his feet automatically take him inside and to the counter, where those bright green eyes stare at him in shock.

“Jared.”

“Jensen.”

END


End file.
